I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
