It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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