So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
They took my balls.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize