I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
