Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
