There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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