6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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