right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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