Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
