I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
