Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
