there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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