Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Randomize
