I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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