great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
