if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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