I can feel you judging me through the phone.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
