My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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