you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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