did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
