and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
