I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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