oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
