So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize