The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
