I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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