my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You have to summon your inner elephant
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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