So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Randomize
