I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
