Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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