ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
