When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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