Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
