Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
