If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
