I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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