I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
