he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
