There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
