whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
