Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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