Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
