i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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