I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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