I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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