did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
