We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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