someone get that fucking seahorse.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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