I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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