I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
foreskin is a definite game changer
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
