I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
