Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
it was like eating out sand paper
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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