do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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