I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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