Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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