Got a toothbrush?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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