god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize