I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
