my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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