She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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