Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
